I'm a fat hog with enough love handle for the population of Sri Lanka to grab hold of. With both hands. With leftovers for Java t to join in on the blubber-lovin' fun.
"But Mike, you have a rather svelte figure!" "You carry your weight well!" "You have something between your teeth!"
[silence]
Okay, the last one doesn't make any sense in the context -- if anything, it implies I've been scarfing down more calories and have a small reserve between my chompers that I was saving for my four o'clock pig-out.
I've kept it a secret for a while. I suck in my gut in public and I wear "athletic cut" shirts that make me look slimmer than I am. But the bottom line is that I am a pig. A slop-swilling, pink-nosed, stink-making ham-in-waiting.
The last week hasn't helped matters, either. My sister was in town visiting for her spring break (it really is a great feeling knowing your 21-year-old sibling would rather spend a week with you than slamming down Pabst Blue Ribbons at a quarter a pop in Cancun with 22,691 of her most-distant friends0 and that has resulted in going out to eat far more than I'd like. I would like to send a special shout-out to m,y brother-in-law, who opted for Chinese food for his birthday dinner last Sunday, allowing me to bring the MSG content of my blood back up to unhealthy levels.
Of course, I share all this with you to announce that I am going on Diet Number nine-thirteen. Albert Einstein once declared the definition of insanity as, and I paraphrase, "doing the same thing over and over again expecting the result to change." That makes me quite insane at this point, so I don't have the highest of hopes.
However, the plan is to buy a mountain bike which I will, of course, not take off-road any time in the foreseeable future. I will ride the bike as often as time allows, which as of now means "every third blue moon or pink flying elephant, whichever comes last." And the meals need to change size and quantity, which hurts most of all. If you know me, you know my three favorite things are food, food and anything else that tastes good after the food has run out.
I need your help. I need you to encourage me and I need you to hold me accountable. I have actually considered fasting, which is like having God as a diet coach. Maybe that would work -- who knows?
So help a reforming slob lose weight today. I want two inches off my belly. No set time frame beyond "before Jesus comes back" but I think sometime this year would be nice.
Help!
The last week hasn't helped matters, either. My sister was in town visiting for her spring break (it really is a great feeling knowing your 21-year-old sibling would rather spend a week with you than slamming down Pabst Blue Ribbons at a quarter a pop in Cancun with 22,691 of her most-distant friends0 and that has resulted in going out to eat far more than I'd like. I would like to send a special shout-out to m,y brother-in-law, who opted for Chinese food for his birthday dinner last Sunday, allowing me to bring the MSG content of my blood back up to unhealthy levels.
Of course, I share all this with you to announce that I am going on Diet Number nine-thirteen. Albert Einstein once declared the definition of insanity as, and I paraphrase, "doing the same thing over and over again expecting the result to change." That makes me quite insane at this point, so I don't have the highest of hopes.
However, the plan is to buy a mountain bike which I will, of course, not take off-road any time in the foreseeable future. I will ride the bike as often as time allows, which as of now means "every third blue moon or pink flying elephant, whichever comes last." And the meals need to change size and quantity, which hurts most of all. If you know me, you know my three favorite things are food, food and anything else that tastes good after the food has run out.
I need your help. I need you to encourage me and I need you to hold me accountable. I have actually considered fasting, which is like having God as a diet coach. Maybe that would work -- who knows?
So help a reforming slob lose weight today. I want two inches off my belly. No set time frame beyond "before Jesus comes back" but I think sometime this year would be nice.
Help!
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